[ Monday October 24th, 2005 at 7:03pm ] fucking derek.... fucking justin...........

[ Saturday April 2nd, 2005 at 11:24pm ] [ music | running up that hill ~placebo & kate bush ] once again, my age comes in to play. i could be SO happy right now, but it restricts everything. arg. note to all: i DO NOT like being ignored. if you don't want to talk to me, then you should simply just say it and i will leave you be. fuck. i'm so. just mellow right now. this song is fucking amazing. but you really have to just sit, and concentrate on it. just listen. arrrgg.. i like guys waaaay to easily. i wish people would just, you know, kinda push past the whole age thing. but, i should have known. like. finding someone. that lives here. that isn't a million years old. and totally has stuff in common with the ACTUAL me, not the girlthatiwishiweretoimpressthem. things seemed to be going great. well, perfect in my case. but nothing is perfect, so obviuosly there was a problem on the other side of this. fuck, i hate two-sided things. this makes me question love. is there ever a such thing as actual love? i mean like seriuosly. things aren't perfect. if a relationship, then if you think about it, there has to be SOMETHING wrong with it. like honestly. for instance, whether the other person is aware of the other's feelings or not, that they don't feel the exact same, or aren't happy with the relationship. it's not like the other will never know. and even if they are both perfectly happy, if they are truely wise then they will figure out that nothing is perfect, and it will drive them crazy wondering if the other one feels as much love as they do, and it will bring them down. you can't be in love with someone without the other one feeling the same way, and alot of the time one person only says that they are in love with thtem because the other says so, and they don't want to feel bad. i have come to the conclusion, that i am going to promise myself to never ever fall in love. it's too over-rated. the only way that i will ever consider letting myself fall, is if i know that i have exactly what i want right in front of me. and right now i do, but. they aren't in front of me. so according to the way the world works, i will never have exactly what i want in front of me. either i won't like them as much as i want, and they won't be perfect, or they will be, and they won't be there for me. . fuck. i need to stop. thinking. i mean like seriously. it was like one day. how can i get so attatched?? .arg. if you know me at all, then you will notice that i am very shy at first with boys. i always get nervous. this time, yes i was nervous, but when we were actually together i wasn't at all. i wasn't uncomfortable, we could just talk without any awkward silences. diiiiiiirty bitch. dirty dirty bitch.

[ Tuesday March 15th, 2005 at 3:09pm ] [ music | the untouchable one-tom cochrane& red rider. ] i've noticed, that lately i've been getting good with not being creepy and obsessive over guys. andi  just realized that. ever since i actually had a  boyfriend, i haven't been obsessive over them. i really think it's unfair that people think i'm creepy still, because now the only reason why they should tihnk i'm creepy is because i'm the human phone book. but still, i'm not obsessive anymore over boys. i'm ont the kind of person who can live without love. i can't, i know i can't. i'm weak and i'm volnerable. and i'm pretty easy to win over, but it seems like every boy that i like, i've been getting better at it, and maybe one day i'll be normal. like i keep getting better each time. maybe i'm normal now? how do i know? it feels the same. what if i am normal now? and if i still feel the same, maybe i was normal the whole time. ... i don't know what i'm saying, and i really do not expect anyone to understand this rambling. okay, so maybe the untouchable one by tom cochrane and red rider, is one of my favourite songs. it really makes me feel, "she makes me feel, she makes me see." i don't have many songs that are like this, the kind of songs that makes you feel it, like it makes you feel ohw the composer was feeling when they wrote it. i can't wait to listen to this in kamloops, because. that is where i first heard it. i don't want to kamloops, but i do. i do because i love it there. but i don't because i dont want to waste my spring break there. i want to stay, and party, and see people, it isn't fair to sacrifice my spring break, just so i can feel. that feeling, that i feel, when i listen to this song, or maybe it will be worth it. maybe for that one moment, when i'm there, and hear this song, maybe it will be way better than a spring break here, but how will i ever know? i can't do two things at once.  i'm done now.

[ Sunday March 13th, 2005 at 9:39pm ] [ music | 36 degrees ~placebo ] i'm in the best mood ever. before, i would always change for people. i would always pretend to be something i'm not, just to impress people. now, i love how i don't have to. and i love how i can be myself, knowing that the one person that i would be trying to impress,i dont need to. i like how i've realized this. before,people always said that i liked everyone. but, i just realized that that is false. the only people that i've liked in the past year, are jordan, bill, steve, paul, and now justin. ♥ hehe. oh man, when i'm in that phase, i like people so easily, but. now i'm glad that i do. not that anythign good will come out of it, because. what guy ever wants something from me. none of them ever like me, and if they do, then something is probably wrong. like they live too far, or are too old. i wonder what will go wrong this time. i like mindlessly walking around. today, i was supposed to go to my sisters house so that i could get a ride home, cuase my dad had the keys. but then we walked to my house. and my dad wasn't there, so i couldn't get in. i started walking towards my sisers house, then it took too long for the walking thing to say walk on it, so i turned around and started walking back to dads. i ran into rhea and josh hardy. that was cool. then i walked the other way, and went to amandas i don't like, how some people just don't listen to you. no matter how close, or how not close you are, some things they just aren't willing to listen to. it's kind of annoying sometimes, but hey what ya gonna do about it. this song is amazing, and i love it alot.

[ Friday February 25th, 2005 at 10:31pm ] [ music | bostonnnn ] oh dear. this is such an old journal. well, i decided. to write a very random.... blurb type thing in here for everyone to read. i'm rach, i'm rad, i'm random, your just jealous. lately things.. have been hectic. 4 months of not being able to actually like boys, only school girl crushes. pure torture. finally, i ACTUALLY like someone, yet they're the only person i have no chance with. and to make that even worse, him & my friend like eachother. and i'm all. erggg. i need a boy, who lives in DUNCAN, who is PRETTY, and not an ubergoth, and. not 18 or 20. not that there isn't pretty boys from duncan who are young, but. they all think i'm creepy or seomthing. i'm going to kamloops in 21 days. woah. 3 weeks. i'm excited. i love going to kamloops, it's like my very own tropical london... in it's special way. i honestly don't know why it's so special, but i wish for once i could bring a friend, and see if they feel it too, to se eif they find it as special as i do. or of it's just those kind of things, that you can't explain, and only you know it. you can only feel it.... ++ cye bought a computer, so now. i can be a netwhore there too. woohoooo. today, i realized [thanks to jade] that i can be very mean. it's always unintended, but... still. i never actually mean it, and i'm usually being sarcastic... or just joking around. and if it's a boy, then i usually think they're cute. it's so weird. like, how i call boys cute. cute in my terms, isn't just.. good looking. it's more like. adorable. just the way they look, they way they act, they're personality, are all just so cute. and adorable. and they all just fit perfectly together, like a fuzzy mouse. iunno, it's hard to explain, and i realized lately that i've been using that term alot lately [especialy towards paul] and. no one really realizes what i mean by the word cute. i seriouisly miss the good old days. where me and alisha and shane would sit in her room late at night, downloading porn. and giving alisha a tender bum. and when i'd go over there after school. we'd get off the bus, and neither of us ever invited the other one over, it was just a given. who ever started walking towards their house first, was where we were both going. those days, when we'd go to her house, and her dad wouldn't be home... it wa sjust me her and shane. we'd hang out in the ktichen, and make noodles. and i'd leave my binder on the counter, and always forget it there. and those days we'd go to nanaimo, or victoria. and go shopping. i seriously miss those old times with alisha, and i love her with all my hurrt<3. i really feel. as though my soul played an important role in the 70's.. there's this feeling that i get, like i really belong to the 70's... the music, just everything is so magical, but you really wouldn't understand, now would you. the music tha ti have, is simply wonderful, and its one of those things that every person has, that is theirs, and wasn't influence apon them, it's just... them. my whole veiw on life, is honestly weird. i think no one really dies, only their body. theres only a certain amount of souls, and since people die every second, people also are born every second. as soon as the soul leaves the body, it finds a new one to go into. so technically, we're really actually kajillion years old. but once in a while, there's that odd soul, who just don't want another body. and they stay in a certain place. they don't do any harm, they aren't ghosts, they just can't... do anything. they try to, they try to touch things, and open doors, but they just can't. but i also believe on those rare occasions, it does work, because their soul is becoming more life like, and they actually can move things. this has kind of been. a heart to heart entry, but not really, because it doesn't make as much sense to you, as it does to me. i'll probably occasionally update this, but. i'll stick to my tonightonly  one.

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